During my morning commute today I was thinking about why I do what I do and what makes me do it. So I started breaking down my actions and the emotional reactions and/or triggers related to them. I came to the conclusion that one of the biggest traits of my Id is a need for control and. There are times when I get wickedly furious over some seriously stupid shit, like my dog whining to go outside when he’s been out THREE GODDAMN TIMES IN THE LAST 45 MINUTES FOR FUCKS SAKE. Which then, in turn, leads to me feeling bad because I shouldn’t get angry over something like that. It’s not like the dog is doing anything wrong, and I’m really doing him the disservice by keeping him cooped up inside all of the time. But the reason it makes me reflexively angry, I think, is that it’s something that distracts or otherwise takes away from activities that I’ve deemed either a.) Important or b.) Enjoyable. And due to the fact that it is now an obligation and I must do it RIGHT NOW since that’s a pet owner responsibility, I get angry that I have to do something I don’t want to and can’t do anything about it. Now that seems like a pretty basic and obvious piece of psychology seeing it typed out but I think being able to spell it out and break it down in such a basic way is going to help me identify, isolate, and ultimately eliminate this problem I feel in my psyche. I feel like this project might just be my subconscious trying to create a map of my psychological state to try to fix me. To that, I say, thanks and good luck.
A man has got to have a balance in life. He has to find the Dao within himself. I’ve spoken before about innate knowledge that some people have to varying degrees. The ability to understand and accept the duality of life and the flow of good and bad karma was one of those things that I just understood from a young age. I’m not generally regarded as the brightest of bulbs in my circle but I have a grasp of some sort of esoteric wisdom about the cosmos that helped me deal with my shit pretty well once I discovered the trick to it. Probably a good thing or I would’ve tried to suck start my dads .45 by the time I was 16. Not to say my life has been terrible. I would say I’ve had a pretty balanced life, and I think it’s also a major matter of perspective on how shitty your life is. You’ve got guys with one leg saying, “Things could be worse” and people who bitch about the power going out for a few hours. All things are subjective if you get down to it. I mean you could go down the rabbit hole of solipsism (look it up) if you want to argue about perception and reality but hey I don’t give a rats’ last fuck what you want to philosophize about. All respect to you of course. I should be coming back to edit this eventually my posts manage to talk a lot without actually saying anything I just like to flow like this.
It seems to me that the things that I find the coolest or the most useful, have to either do with efficiency or entertainment or enlightenment. It starts with efficiency. There are so many fucking wastes of time it baffles me how humanity even gets anything done as a species. Unless of course its because most people take care of all the busy work and a select few get to while away their years pondering the great secrets of the universe and getting 100% completion on the new Red Dead game with nary a concern outside of those activities. In which case most of us, myself included, have elected to be willing participants of the robot race to the think tanks of the planet based on self-imposed limitations. And no, as I sit here typing this litany of discontent upon my RENTED SHITTER the irony of being dissatisfied with my life is not lost on me. I like things that make life easier because then I have more time to do things that make me happy, which, most of the time, are constructive and serve to better myself and prepare my soul for the next stage of enlightenment. (Which I believe to be ultimately, if not subliminally, the goal of all mankind.) That being said there are certain activities that I am predisposed to that I could argue are counterintuitive to the previous point of efficiency. Namely, and probably in this order, porn, food, and video games. These are things that I frequently have used and still use to get myself excited about having no meaning to my existence. They’re shallow and shameless opiate fixes that are just short-lived enough to make them inconsequential upon immediate examination but ultimately a major detractor from the ultimate quality of life. Now I wouldn’t say that all of these items are completely devoid of any purpose. After all in my philosophy everything, no matter how inconsequential, or evil, still serves to orient us, even minutely, towards the perfect direction. THAT is a topic for another keyboard masher tho. Point? There is none. Less is more as they say, and I hate myself.
I don’t really have any more direction in my life right now. I don’t know what I want to focus on because I want so many things. I genuinely want them. I don’t know what’s at the core of those ideas either.. I have ideas but they’re only just that, ideas. I want to learn languages. All of them. I want to be literate to all of the languages of the universe. Not just German, and Mandarin, or even programming and code, physics and chemistry, philosophy and ethics, and so on.. I want to know everything, but I feel like I don’t have the focus or endurance to do so. Part of me thinks I’m just not intelligent enough but a larger part of me knows that things like intelligence are relative; That things like the human potential to learn are not simply constrained by physical limitations like the brain. I know that the mind is plastic, with the potential to adapt to anything. So the issue with my inability to conceivably achieve all that I want to achieve is not due to a lack of ability but more something else. This is my conundrum. There are certain inherent truths I know about myself. I know I have a flip-flop dichotomous soul. That I alternate between gregarious empath and narcissistic sociopath. I know that has something to do with why I can’t find the energy to pursue one thing to satisfaction without moving on to another. I would say I get bored of a subject and want to move onto something fresh and exciting but that seems too mundane for the feeling. Yet I can’t think of a better way to describe my dilemma. I feel like I’m a wise soul trapped inside of an ignorant mind and a sloths body. That I get these rare moments of inspiration and drive that allows me to briefly grasp my potential but ultimately fail to realize my goal. Its a feeling similar to when you want to describe a concept or an idea and you understand it perfectly within your own mind, but you can’t find the correct words to describe it in a way that others would understand. Or when you’re trying to use a more precise and sophisticated word, and you know it exists, but for the life of you, you can’t think of it. I’m in this mind state right now but I can already feel my doubt about myself regaining control, taking over my faculties. I will probably re-read this and delete it in a fit about how I’m trying to seem smarter or deeper or more intellectual than I am. I don’t know why I hate myself so much but I also never complete the steps necessary to become the person I know myself to truly be.