SO…

I don’t really have any more direction in my life right now. I don’t know what I want to focus on because I want so many things. I genuinely want them. I don’t know what’s at the core of those ideas either.. I have ideas but they’re only just that, ideas. I want to learn languages. All of them. I want to be literate to all of the languages of the universe. Not just German, and Mandarin, or even programming and code, physics and chemistry,  philosophy and ethics, and so on.. I want to know everything, but I feel like I don’t have the focus or endurance to do so. Part of me thinks I’m just not intelligent enough but a larger part of me knows that things like intelligence are relative; That things like the human potential to learn are not simply constrained by physical limitations like the brain. I know that the mind is plastic, with the potential to adapt to anything. So the issue with my inability to conceivably achieve all that I want to achieve is not due to a lack of ability but more something else. This is my conundrum. There are certain inherent truths I know about myself. I know I have a flip-flop dichotomous soul. That I alternate between gregarious empath and narcissistic sociopath. I know that has something to do with why I can’t find the energy to pursue one thing to satisfaction without moving on to another. I would say I get bored of a subject and want to move onto something fresh and exciting but that seems too mundane for the feeling. Yet I can’t think of a better way to describe my dilemma. I feel like I’m a wise soul trapped inside of an ignorant mind and a sloths body. That I get these rare moments of inspiration and drive that allows me to briefly grasp my potential but ultimately fail to realize my goal. Its a feeling similar to when you want to describe a concept or an idea and you understand it perfectly within your own mind, but you can’t find the correct words to describe it in a way that others would understand. Or when you’re trying to use a more precise and sophisticated word, and you know it exists, but for the life of you, you can’t think of it. I’m in this mind state right now but I can already feel my doubt about myself regaining control, taking over my faculties. I will probably re-read this and delete it in a fit about how I’m trying to seem smarter or deeper or more intellectual than I am. I don’t know why I hate myself so much but I also never complete the steps necessary to become the person I know myself to truly be.

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